Today's Topic:
The Final Column

For the final installment of Fun with Stuff, I thought I'd share a number of quotes and excerpts that I always wanted to include in a column, but they just never quite fit. Here we go:

"Professor! We're registering a tremor in the southeast!" the student announced as he ran though the doorway.

The professor looked up from his work at the Cal Tech seismology lab. "Let's see what you've got." He followed the student into the adjoining room where the bar on the seismograph jerked back and forth across the machine in wide swaths, while nearby, a panel of instruments recorded numbers.

"Location?" the professor asked.

"Riverside."

"Oh," the professor said, the excitement draining from his voice. "I'll bet it's the Smith's washing machine again. It must be on the spin cycle."

*****

You know that feeling where you think that life just can't get any better and then it suddenly does? Neither do I.

*****

As the treasurer for the Inland Empire Regional Gathering, I went in to the bank to deposit some checks. In the process, the teller asked me what Mensa was. I told her that it was a society for people with high IQs, which caused her to go into a fit of the giggles. When she finished laughing, she explained, "My husband will think that's it's hilarious that I wasn't even smart enough to know Mensa was."

Nice, I thought. You guys must have a swell relationship. Should I bother explaining the difference between intelligence and knowledge? Nah.

*****

"How come everything in your refrigerator is green?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, there's an unripe banana, an avocado, and some mint & chip ice cream."

"Oh. Those have been there for a while. What you're looking at is actually a stick of string cheese, an orange, and a cup of cottage cheese."

*****

Instead of encouraging everyone to vote, we should only encourage the smart people to vote. To everyone else, we should say, "You know what? It's okay if you don't vote. Relax. Take the day off. We've got it handled."

*****

I never had children of my own, but that's probably a good thing, because if I had a daughter, I would name her something like Sequel. Sequel Smith. Or possibly, Bruce Smith: The Daughter. And, of course, if I had a son, I would name him "Thexdenander, Lord High Ruler of the Land of the Bean Pods."

*****

If a woman pointed a gun at me, I might say, "Well, it's a tough world; a woman's got to protect herself. Plus, it's kinda sexy." But if a man pointed a gun at me, I'd be like, "Okay, this guy has gotta go."

*****

"You're a #$!!@!," he said.

"Oh yeah," I answered. "Well, you're an ampersand."

*****

I threw a French fry out the window and Sharron gave me a look. "What?" I said. "It's biodegradable. Now, if I threw a chicken McNugget out of the window, that would be different."

*****

Ted and Denise don't have much chemistry; it's more like... physics.

*****

Are you afraid of flying? Are you nervous about riding in your car? Does going to a restaurant make you jittery? How about hotels? Do they scare you? If so, you may be suffering from MSP: Media Suggested Paranoia.

*****

Do you ever wonder how many touchdowns LeBron James has made? Do you think a field goal has something to do with Farmville? Does the fact that the New York Yankees never won a Super Bowl surprise you?

If your answer to any of these questions is yes, then you are invited to the "Guys-Who-Really-Don't-Care-About-Football-but-are-Still-Secure-in-Their-Masculinity-Super Bowl Party." We won't be watching the game.

*****

"You need a timing belt," the mechanic said.

"Are you sure? I thought the problem was..."

"Oh wait!" he said, interrupting me. "I'm sorry. You had the Corolla, not the Camry. You need a new engine. Oh, and a radiator."

"Ah," I answered. "Now that sounds like my car."

*****

"Life goes on."

"Really? I thought it was the beat that goes on."

*****

Today's weather report was made possible by the Live Doppler Mega 7000 Super Duper Extra Extravaganza Flapdoodle Gadget Thingamabob Weather Monitor Deluxe System. Thank you for joining us.