Today's Topic:
Tips for the Homeless

Sometimes, as I'm driving around in my Mercedes, I'll see homeless people at the side of the road asking for money. Usually when this happens, I'll pretend to be busy changing radio stations, or I'll act like the stoplight in front of me is the most fascinating thing I've ever seen in my life. But now and then I'll think, you know, that could easily be someone I know. There by the grace of God goes a distant relative. So then I think, what would I do if I were the kind of guy who actually cared about my fellow human beings? Would I toss a bag of French fries to the homeless man and then quickly roll up the window? Would I ask him for directions? Would I give him a fish, or would I teach him to fish? If I taught him to fish, would he prefer trout fishing or deep sea fishing? What kind of lures would we use? It was in the middle of such thoughts that I had an inspiration. You know what these people really need? It's not housing, medical care, or psychological counseling from my therapist Dr. Sherman; it's some good old fashioned advice. And advice is free. That's the beauty of it.

With that in mind, here are some tips for the homeless:

So if you find yourself at an off-ramp sitting uncomfortably close to a homeless person and you want to help, but you're just not sure what to do, give a copy of this column to him. (I recommend printing out a dozen and keeping them in your glove box). It'll make you feel better, and you'll help him too! Plus, then nobody will think you are an insensitive bastard, which happens to me all the time. I don't know why.