First, we would like to tell you what an amazingly, wonderful company we have. We provide full benefits and we deposit tons of money into a 401K for you on a weekly basis. Every member of our staff is provided with their own personal physician and nurse who attends to all of their health needs, including driving to and from the drug store to pick up prescriptions. In addition, each member of our staff receives their own personal trainer who is extremely hot. You should also know that our office has a staff of the friendliest, kindest, and most remarkably intelligent people you could ever possible encounter on the planet. You should feel honored that you even get the chance to read about us.
All of this is made all the more interesting by the fact that there is no chance in hell that we will ever fucking hire you. Please see below for details.
As you read these details, you will find statements that directly contradict what we have already said about our company. This is because the first part of this job description was written by our marketing department, which is completely disconnected in every respect from the rest of the company. Other parts of this job description were written by members of Human Resources who have never actually worked in the department that you are applying for and are unfamiliar with what working there is actually like. Don’t you worry! The odds are that your interviewer has never read any of this.
We are looking for people who are team players, who can multitask, and who have no problems meeting strict deadlines. You should be young, outgoing, energetic, and friendly. Communication skills are a must!
As a special courtesy to our applicants, we have decoded the above paragraph so that you have no misunderstandings about what it means. Here is a breakdown of the key points:
Much of what we have covered above are known as “soft skills.” We will be watching you during your interview to see if you screw up in any of these areas. We’re not really the best judges of character, so there will also be a battery of extensive psychological testing prior to your interview. Below are some two samples of the kind of questions that you may encounter in these tests. It should be readily obvious to you that these questions will instantly reveal great insights about what kind of person you are:
We require that all applicants jump through an extensive number of hoops to be considered by our company. Do not take it personally; it is the result of our subconscious urges to exert power and control over everyone we come into contact with.
You will need to submit a resume via email and also via our online form. The online form will mangle your resume, and it will probably take you about half an hour to fix it.
Make sure to list the company “Vandelay Industries” as one of your previous employers. We ask that you do this to prove that you read this entire job description even though we will never read anything you write that thoroughly, especially your resume.
References and a background check are required as well. If you don’t have any friends, just provide your own phone number and pretend to be different people when we call.
Be prepared to provide the same amount of personal information that an identity thief would need in order to assume your identity, steal all of your money, and pretend to be you at a family wedding.
Drug screens are also required. We keep all urine and stool samples from our applicants permanently.
If you are applying for a technical position, please be advised that you will have to meet an additional set of incredibly strict guidelines. We will expect you to be knowledgeable in at least ten different technologies that we will choose from a list at random. One or two of these will be incredibly obscure, or they will be our own in-house technologies that you have no way of possibly knowing.
On the extremely remote chance that you do get called in for an interview, here is what you can expect:
If you are unable to obtain a position with us after hours of testing and interrogations, please keep in mind that internships are also available. Internships are great, because they allow us to get people to work for free for months! That is such an incredibly fantastic deal for us that we actually do bring people on in that capacity. Please be advised that internships do not guarantee any form of gainful employment.
Also, there is a good chance that the position you are applying for has already been filled. We created this job for someone who already works for us, but we had to post the job online to make it look as if we were giving everyone a fair chance. We apologize for the inconvenience.
General Companies Unlimited (GCU).
P.S. Also, could you design a website and a logo for us for free? Our web developer just recently committed suicide. Thank you.
© 2015-2017, Bruce A. Smith